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Suicidal or just Over Whelmed?

Are you Suicidal or are you Over Whelmed?   A few year ago, I lost my brother to COVID.  At that same time that he was hospitalized, my father in-law who served as my father for over thirty years suffered a stroke. (and if I am being honest, my second Grandbaby was born premature) I was overwhelmed as I was pulled in many  different directions.  Should I be in Monroe, with my father in-law who was in his mid 90's, whom I figured would not survive his stroke. Should I be in Toledo, where my brother was in ICU with a Virus no one knew much about and I was told would be detrimental to my own health should I be exposed. Should I be available to help with our new preemie grandbaby. I actually wrote a book about the grief and the struggle I went through in that situation.....that is another story, and a rather long one. To wrap it up or summarize for the sake of getting to my point,  I wished for death. I actually begged God for it. The guilt and shame I placed on myself was extreme when
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A Young Couple Needs Us -

 WARNING!!! THIS BLOG POST IS GOING TO GO ALL OVER THE PLACE, STAY WITH ME! Have you ever had a day or week where you have so many things swirling around in your head? Your thoughts are like ping pong balls bouncing all over the place? If you are a follower of this Blog, you understand the title, as my mind wanders often. I am that girl that can't sleep at night because my brain won't rest as it thinks of random things, causing random unanswered questions. Out of the blue recently a thing hit me that is going to make you look head cocked like a confused puppy at me and think, duh?! Why do we cry? We cry because we are hurt!  Sure we have moments of happy tears, but I think that most often tears come from pain.  Many of you know I am a Grandma and watch my grand babies a couple days each week for their parents to work outside the home. I see tears from them, and if I am being honest, these tears sometimes cause this Grandma to have them too. It just hurts me to see them sad. Bec
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Perspective

  Perspective As a Mom, a past Preschool Teacher, and now a Grandma, children have always held a special place in my heart.  As a child, I felt pushed aside and ignored a bit as the youngest of five children.  I think that played a huge part in why my heart aches for kids. I was timid yet loud.   I was often picked on for being the one that talked too much with nick names like "motor mouth" or I was hushed being told "you don't have to yell" in mid sentence as I was speaking, which often made me not want to talk at all. Jim has a sister,Deb, she is in her mid sixties. She has had some trauma in her life, so she has never married, lives alone in a one bedroom apartment, and doesn't have a working television, by choice. She lives in solitude and is happy that way, or seems to be. Jim will often go visit her, and they play cards. He takes her once every few weeks to the laundry mat so she can do her wash, and the grocery store, but other than that, she just isn
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TO OLD FOR A RESET

  TO OLD FOR A RESET Recently, I pulled out my old Barnes and Noble Nook. Way back in 2017, I jumped on the bandwagon of this newest technology of owning a device capable of storing a gazillion books all in one spot. Since I love reading, I thought I would love this Library in my pocket contraption. However, I found that I didn't like it at all. Don't get me wrong, it was well made,  I purchased the cute little case for it, I downloaded a million books. But I can honestly say, I don't believe I ever read to completion one of them. I found out I am a old school girl, I want the feel of the book in my hands, the smell of the paper pages and I wanted to have that tedious job of turning the pages. So, as I was saying, I pulled it out the other day thinking that maybe now, after all these years of reading blogs on my computer, perhaps I might enjoy reading books on a device. I dusted it off, charged it up and was ready to go, or so I thought. First thing I ran into was that it h
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Invisible

INVISIBLE She stands in a crowd, yet feels all alone. Somehow she feels unseen. So many conversations going on in her head,  but never does she allow them to escape through her voice. She holds so much inside, never wanting to be the problem or the added stressor. She puts on a smile, while trying to convince herself. But inside she feels numb, lost, unimportant and unnoticed. Loved when she is needed, then set aside until needed again. Her heart used to break, but now it doesn't even feel a thing. Day in, Day out, she does what she must,  while fighting the urge to scream. Everyone is living life, while she feels stuck  stuck on repeat, stuck in the now, nothing to look forward to, just the same day after day, year after year. Love, oh she loves,  loved, yes she believes she is,  but there is no sparkle anymore. She is becoming dull, no glow, no bounce in her step, seems only days of clouds and no sunshine. She feels like she is just fading away,  becoming invisible.  Be Blessed,
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The Weight of The World

The Weight of The World The weight of the world, what a funny thing. It weighs you down, it is so crushing. You love so deeply that you can't say No, So others depend on you to show. Some days it's too much, hard to get out of bed,  but you get yourself up and off you tread. You do so much, while they expect more, they just can't see how overwhelmed you are. Pulled in five directions, not knowing which to choose,  Trying to please them all, not one you'd stand to lose. Forgetting to care for yourself, as so many of us do. Neglecting our own needs, often feeling blue. Blink away the tears, smile that smile, you know they all love you, you just need a little while. Take and push the pause and learn what's true, People that really love you will, it's not in what you do. So slow it way down, take a breather or two carrying the weight of the world is not for you to do. Lift up your head and breath in deep, put your burdens down, place them at his feet. You were made
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My Wish for a Black Grandma

My Wish for a   Black Grandma Growing up as a Blonde hair, blue/green eyed, caucasian girl, I was the fairest of caucasian a girl could be. My hair was so light you could see my pink scalp through it and in the summer often my head would get sunburnt. I grew up with two Grandmas.  The "Fat Grandma" and the "Skinny Grandma". Not the nicest way to describe them, but as a child I didn't see how cruel these terms were. The "Fat Grandma" was my Mom's mom, Grandma Gintzer, the "Skinny Grandma" was my Dad's mom, Grandma Mohler. My "Fat Grandma lived in Pennsylvania and I only got to see her a few times each year. My "Skinny Grandma" lived only minutes from us.....and I rarely saw her at all. Grandma Gintzer would come into town and would stay with us usually about a week, then she would go stay with one of my Aunts. It seemed she came into town just a couple times a year. Grandma Gintzer was a bigger woman, but as she aged to
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