Suicidal or just Over Whelmed?

Are you Suicidal or are you Over Whelmed? 

A few year ago, I lost my brother to COVID. 

At that same time that he was hospitalized, my father in-law who served as my father for over thirty years suffered a stroke. (and if I am being honest, my second Grandbaby was born premature)

I was overwhelmed as I was pulled in many  different directions. 

Should I be in Monroe, with my father in-law who was in his mid 90's, whom I figured would not survive his stroke. Should I be in Toledo, where my brother was in ICU with a Virus no one knew much about and I was told would be detrimental to my own health should I be exposed. Should I be available to help with our new preemie grandbaby.

I actually wrote a book about the grief and the struggle I went through in that situation.....that is another story, and a rather long one. To wrap it up or summarize for the sake of getting to my point,

 I wished for death. I actually begged God for it.

The guilt and shame I placed on myself was extreme when my brother ended up being the one to pass away.  I truly believed out of the two, given their ages and the fact my brother had beat cancer years ago, that I would see him again. I spent every moment I had with my father in-law, never seeing my brother before he passed away. The pain was tremendous, and worse yet was the added pain when I wrote a memoir wanting to share how amazing my brother was, and how much I looked up to him, that my family put on me. 

 During the time he was ill, they acted like they understood why I wasn't there with him. But once I wrote my book and without even reading it, they assumed things and their truth gushed out, they felt I was not a good person to have not gone to see him. They made assumptions that were hateful and hurtful. They waited until I completed the entire book and was ready to publish to attack. I have not spoke to them since. But God gave me clarity in that storm.

We all have heard that God can make beauty from ashes. That he works all things out for our good. That sometimes we go through storms, but he has a brighter day beyond the clouds for us.

In the book I mentioned above, I shared that I wanted to die. I begged God to take me.

But I want people to understand, I was not suicidal. I did not want to take my own life. 

I wanted God to take my life.

Well, I am here typing, so I guess you know how that prayer request was answered....with a big "NO!!"

Since those days of feeling like I could not bare the pain, and after the attack, for lack of a better word, from my family, God has given me so many reasons to get up every day! 

Our blessings are all around us, daily we are blessed......but we overlook them most days. God wasn't letting me over look any of mine. Suddenly it was like he was being so BOLD, I could not over look my blessings. I started noticing tiny gestures, suddenly I notice a sunset or birds chirping. All of my senses seemed to be put on over drive.

  I'd get up in the morning with a chip on my shoulder and grump deep in my soul, and I'd look out and my husband would be scraping my car windows and warming my truck for me on a cold morning.

I'd go over to watch my Grandchildren and they would greet me with hugs and kisses and such excitement that I  couldn't help but look up and say "Thank You!"

See sometimes, people are not suicidal, sometimes they are just overwhelmed by the weight they carry and just want relief.

I am here to tell you, either way, if you are thinking the only way is to take your life or beg God to take it.....you don't have to be weighed down. 

Believe me, I am preaching to the choir here, as I need to take my own advice. 

I worry, stress, suffer from insecurities, guilt and shame daily. And it is DAILY, I have to remind myself to put it at Jesus Feet. I cannot do this on my own, I need Jesus.

I need to let go, and let God, as they always say.

 Recently I have been having some symptoms that are scary. 

Chest tightness, that goes down my arms, and leaves me feeling weak. 

I don't know if this is still me carrying too much, or if it is a medical issue. Although both I guess would be medical.....worry and stress can bring on symptoms, can even damage your health. I am in the process of trying to seek an appointment with a specialist to see what is going on with my health.

 But I know that whether it is a heart condition or stress, I need to give it to God. 

I never thought of killing myself, I only wished for God to take the pain away, and I felt the only way for him to do that, with as severe as my heart had shattered was to take my life. I begged him to take my life.

 Now with these recent concerns, I realize that no worry is worth my life.

 I realize the thought of losing my life isn't something I want or would wish for. 

I am not trying to be overly dramatic here, but when these episodes have hit, it is scary. After, I find myself afraid of when it will happen again. I am afraid of a heart attack. But I am also one that thinks, well it eased up, I don't need to go to the ER.  Heart Disease is among the top killer of women, and some never have any symptoms. I am afraid, as the stories run through my head, of people who suddenly just dropped from a massive heart attack, no warning. That is frightening.

You might be saying, "Ok Dawn, what is your point?"

My point is, that I begged God to take my life, but now with these recent symptoms, I realize I am not ready to be gone from my husband, children and grandchildren. That thought hurts my heart.

My point is, whether you are overwhelmed with grief and pain or are contemplating suicide, please don't give up. Do not beg for God to take you, don't load the gun, even in this time of storm.

Even if you feel like you keep getting kicked in the teeth, knocked down.....don't stop believing in his plan for you. 

He will work things out for your good, it won't happen over night, and that is where I failed, I expected things to be better by now.....they aren't. But even so, I am thankful Gods answer was "NO!" to taking my life. I think of all that I would have missed out on in these last few years. Those blessings I over looked, I see them so clearly now.

I now have these health concerns. My husband and I are still dealing with much stress in trying to purchase his father's legacy and keep it going. We have what feels like the weight of the world on our shoulders. It has been a long road, and journey that began in 2020 and here we are still in the storm in 2024......but I have hope in the sunshine coming!

If we didn't have Hope In Jesus Christ and his promises I don't know where we would be.

But we must keep looking forward, life can be overwhelming, but we make the weight heavier by refusing to trust our Creator to take the burden for us.

There are song lyrics that say "I'm fighting a battle, You've already won!"

God knew you before you were born, he has counted each hair on your head.......he knows your life, when it starts and when it will end. He knows the trials you will go through, and he knows the good things too. He is with you through all of them, trust him!!

Perhaps these symptoms I have been having are his way of telling me, "see, you didn't and don't want me to end your life"......"you have just been carrying too much of the load....wake up child, give me your burdens, let your heart rest, I have got you!"

I believe if you are feeling overwhelmed, wishing to end your pain....He is telling you the same thing.

Give it up, Stress, Worry, Insecurities, Anxiety.....It is all too much for us to deal with alone. 

God can handle it, he can make things better. He lets us go through trials, hoping that we will run to him. Turn around, run to him, take that huge weight and hand it to him, he has got you!

I am telling myself this daily, as I am telling you. I am not an expert at taking my own advice. But I hope I can give you a clearer vision. I hope my advice can help you look forward and see the sunshine ahead.

Give  to God!

It can and will get better, nothing is impossible with God!

Be Blessed,

The Happy Farmwife