Have you even missed me?

 Have you even missed me?

It has been a long while since I wrote anything here. Life seems to often just go out of control and days fly by. A lot has happened and many changes have taken place.

Wish I could say life has gotten easier since the grief I struggled with after the passing of my brother,  but it hasn't. Since losing him, I lost my stepfather and my father in-law. Yep, God allowed me to lose all three men that were father figures for me all within 6 months of each other.

My brother passed from complications from COVID, my stepfather of bladder cancer within months of diagnosis, and my father in-law from complications from a stroke and old age, he was nearly 96 years old, just six weeks away from his birthday.

Although I did like to laugh with my step father, his passing was the easiest of the three. He was a funny man, always a joke to tell, but also was one that spoke without thought of how it would affect the person he was speaking about. His sarcasm was ruthless and often hurtful. Did I think he intentionally hurt me, no, but his words hurt all the same.

My Brother, as I shared, I am sure in earlier writing, was my only brother.  He was the male role model for me growing up since our father had passed away when I was only three. He wasn't a perfect man, but he was always there to have my back, even in the many conflicts with my mother.

My father-in-law, he was the best. No other words to describe. He was a good man, who worked hard, never said an unkind word, accepted life as it came and rolled with it even in hard times. He was a good example for my husband and children. He had a strong faith, rarely missing church on Sunday. He was a quiet man, but if you got him talking the wisdom he could share. He only attended school up until he was like twelve, then went to work full time with his father on the farm, yet you'd think he had a masters degree with the knowledge he had. In my opinion, he was brilliant. He had this impeccable ability to look at a problem and figuring out a way to fix it easily and without a high cost. He ran the farm that way, often using unusual ways to make things work.

Those three losses  were hard for me. And during those losses and that grief, I often would beg God to take me. I wasn't suicidal, I never wanted to end my own life, I just wanted God to end it for me, to end the pain I was feeling.  

But then in mid summer of this year, I had the scare of my life. To make a long story short, I started having unusual chest pain that would radiate tightness down my arms, and I would be exhausted after an episode, as I called them. I finally went to a Doctor who suggested a cardiologist. It was there that I was informed I had blockage in all main arteries and had to have a heart catheterization STAT. But guess what happened, I started begging God to let me live.....yeh, me the one yelling at him just a few years ago to take me, now here I was fearing for my life. I would look at my Grandchildren, whom I am very close to, and at two and three years old I knew they'd never understand why I left, why I was gone. I worried for my Husband and Children, how they would take losing me.

I reached out to my Pastor, asking for prayers that God wouldn't punish me for begging for death, but would allow me to live and would heal my heart.

My church family as well as my children began praying for me, and yet the day I went in for the procedure, no one came. All unable to face the idea that I might not make it off the table.

 Just my husband, as they all feared they'd not be strong for him if this didn't end well. But someone was with him that day and someone was with me too. They started the procedure and in half the time it was supposed to take, it was finished.  The Doctor waited for me to come back from the silly gas as they only partially put you out for this, and he said, "We are done, the procedure went well.  You have no blockage at all, quite frankly, you have a beautiful, healthy heart. No stints were needed."

Now you can believe whatever you want, but I saw the stress test results, I saw the pictures of the screen showing blockage.....but they went in to put stints in to open the blood flow and found zero blockage. 

That was God my friends.

The moral of this story.....we will suffer loss, pain , hurt in our lives.  We will do things displeasing to God like I did in begging for my life to end.  But God never leaves us or punishes us. He gives us the discipline of a loving father, he opens his arms when we return home, even if we have been gone a long time. Even if we blame him for every hard time. He takes broken hearts and he heals them. 

He uses all things for good. That was a hard one for me, still is sometimes, but then I think of this situation. I see he allowed the chest pain, the blockage, but he also used it to open my eyes to all I have to live for.

You are not alone in your pain, hurt, or confusion.  He is there with you. Are you missing God? Have you stopped reading his words, talking to him, believing in him? If you have, he still loves you. He is still calling you to return to him. He is waiting with open arms.

 He will heal all the hurt in your heart. You just have to let him.

Be Blessed,

The Happy Farmwife