The Meandering Mind of a Happy Farmwife

Are you Suicidal or are you Over Whelmed?   A few year ago, I lost my brother to COVID.  At that same time that he was hospitalized, my father in-law who served as my father for over thirty years suffered a stroke. (and if I am being honest, my second Grandbaby was born premature) I was overwhelmed as I was pulled in many  different directions.  Should I be in Monroe, with my father in-law who was in his mid 90's, whom I figured would not survive his stroke. Should I be in Toledo, where my brother was in ICU with a Virus no one knew much about and I was told would be detrimental to my own health should I be exposed. Should I be available to help with our new preemie grandbaby. I actually wrote a book about the grief and the struggle I went through in that situation.....that is another story, and a rather long one. To wrap it up or summarize for the sake of getting to my point,  I wished for death. I actually begged God for it. The guilt and shame I placed on myself was extreme when

 WARNING!!! THIS BLOG POST IS GOING TO GO ALL OVER THE PLACE, STAY WITH ME! Have you ever had a day or week where you have so many things swirling around in your head? Your thoughts are like ping pong balls bouncing all over the place? If you are a follower of this Blog, you understand the title, as my mind wanders often. I am that girl that can't sleep at night because my brain won't rest as it thinks of random things, causing random unanswered questions. Out of the blue recently a thing hit me that is going to make you look head cocked like a confused puppy at me and think, duh?! Why do we cry? We cry because we are hurt!  Sure we have moments of happy tears, but I think that most often tears come from pain.  Many of you know I am a Grandma and watch my grand babies a couple days each week for their parents to work outside the home. I see tears from them, and if I am being honest, these tears sometimes cause this Grandma to have them too. It just hurts me to see them sad. Bec

  Perspective As a Mom, a past Preschool Teacher, and now a Grandma, children have always held a special place in my heart.  As a child, I felt pushed aside and ignored a bit as the youngest of five children.  I think that played a huge part in why my heart aches for kids. I was timid yet loud.   I was often picked on for being the one that talked too much with nick names like "motor mouth" or I was hushed being told "you don't have to yell" in mid sentence as I was speaking, which often made me not want to talk at all. Jim has a sister,Deb, she is in her mid sixties. She has had some trauma in her life, so she has never married, lives alone in a one bedroom apartment, and doesn't have a working television, by choice. She lives in solitude and is happy that way, or seems to be. Jim will often go visit her, and they play cards. He takes her once every few weeks to the laundry mat so she can do her wash, and the grocery store, but other than that, she just isn