The Meandering Mind of a Happy Farmwife

The Second Empty Nest These last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I am not one that does well with change, especially changes that can never be reversed should I decide I don't like the new. Most of you that come here and read my writings know me personally, you know my husband and children. I raised two children, both grown and flown. My life was spent being a Mom for those twenty six years. I was fortunate to have been given the opportunity to leave my office manager position to stay home and be a full time mom. I loved being home with them and it was a true blessing. I wasn't a mom that took the job lightly, it was my God given title. We played together every day, I wasn't one that sat and did my thing while the kids played, I was an active participant in all the fun. We had days of the week that we did certain things, like  Tuesday was Library day and on Wednesdays we called a friend and had a playdate, Thursdays we would go see Daddy at work for lunch. If it...

 WHY??????? Have you ever felt like everything was stacked against you and no matter what you did it didn't turn out or you got hurt? Lately, I am overwhelmed, tears coming often as it seems everything I try, falls apart. You been there? do you get me? Let me better explain.  I quilt, I love making quilts as gifts, and I started making them for people to order. But it has slowed down as now the prices of fabric has sky rocketed like everything else in our economy. I was even making quilts not ordered, just to continue doing what I love. I was storing them to one day perhaps have a booth in a craft show and maybe sell them that way. But now I can barely afford the fabrics to make a quilt that will just sit in a box hoping to be sold one day. So, another thing I have dreamed of was to become an author. I wrote a beautiful Memoir about my brother who passed away in 2021 from complications from COVID. My family, who's never read it, caused a big farce and made it impossible for me...

 Have you even missed me? It has been a long while since I wrote anything here. Life seems to often just go out of control and days fly by. A lot has happened and many changes have taken place. Wish I could say life has gotten easier since the grief I struggled with after the passing of my brother,  but it hasn't. Since losing him, I lost my stepfather and my father in-law. Yep, God allowed me to lose all three men that were father figures for me all within 6 months of each other. My brother passed from complications from COVID, my stepfather of bladder cancer within months of diagnosis, and my father in-law from complications from a stroke and old age, he was nearly 96 years old, just six weeks away from his birthday. Although I did like to laugh with my step father, his passing was the easiest of the three. He was a funny man, always a joke to tell, but also was one that spoke without thought of how it would affect the person he was speaking about. His sarcasm was ruthless a...

Are you Suicidal or are you Over Whelmed?   A few year ago, I lost my brother to COVID.  At that same time that he was hospitalized, my father in-law who served as my father for over thirty years suffered a stroke. (and if I am being honest, my second Grandbaby was born premature) I was overwhelmed as I was pulled in many  different directions.  Should I be in Monroe, with my father in-law who was in his mid 90's, whom I figured would not survive his stroke. Should I be in Toledo, where my brother was in ICU with a Virus no one knew much about and I was told would be detrimental to my own health should I be exposed. Should I be available to help with our new preemie grandbaby. I actually wrote a book about the grief and the struggle I went through in that situation.....that is another story, and a rather long one. To wrap it up or summarize for the sake of getting to my point,  I wished for death. I actually begged God for it. The guilt and shame I placed on mys...

 WARNING!!! THIS BLOG POST IS GOING TO GO ALL OVER THE PLACE, STAY WITH ME! Have you ever had a day or week where you have so many things swirling around in your head? Your thoughts are like ping pong balls bouncing all over the place? If you are a follower of this Blog, you understand the title, as my mind wanders often. I am that girl that can't sleep at night because my brain won't rest as it thinks of random things, causing random unanswered questions. Out of the blue recently a thing hit me that is going to make you look head cocked like a confused puppy at me and think, duh?! Why do we cry? We cry because we are hurt!  Sure we have moments of happy tears, but I think that most often tears come from pain.  Many of you know I am a Grandma and watch my grand babies a couple days each week for their parents to work outside the home. I see tears from them, and if I am being honest, these tears sometimes cause this Grandma to have them too. It just hurts me to see them sa...

  Perspective As a Mom, a past Preschool Teacher, and now a Grandma, children have always held a special place in my heart.  As a child, I felt pushed aside and ignored a bit as the youngest of five children.  I think that played a huge part in why my heart aches for kids. I was timid yet loud.   I was often picked on for being the one that talked too much with nick names like "motor mouth" or I was hushed being told "you don't have to yell" in mid sentence as I was speaking, which often made me not want to talk at all. Jim has a sister,Deb, she is in her mid sixties. She has had some trauma in her life, so she has never married, lives alone in a one bedroom apartment, and doesn't have a working television, by choice. She lives in solitude and is happy that way, or seems to be. Jim will often go visit her, and they play cards. He takes her once every few weeks to the laundry mat so she can do her wash, and the grocery store, but other than that, she just isn...