The Second Empty Nest

The Second Empty Nest

These last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I am not one that does well with change, especially changes that can never be reversed should I decide I don't like the new.

Most of you that come here and read my writings know me personally, you know my husband and children. I raised two children, both grown and flown. My life was spent being a Mom for those twenty six years. I was fortunate to have been given the opportunity to leave my office manager position to stay home and be a full time mom. I loved being home with them and it was a true blessing. I wasn't a mom that took the job lightly, it was my God given title. We played together every day, I wasn't one that sat and did my thing while the kids played, I was an active participant in all the fun. We had days of the week that we did certain things, like  Tuesday was Library day and on Wednesdays we called a friend and had a playdate, Thursdays we would go see Daddy at work for lunch. If it was a rainy day, it was automatically a pajama and movie day. I mean sure there were days where we stayed home and didn't go see a friend or leave the house at all, but on those days we were painting, coloring, playing games, playing in our own back yard. Even when the kids started school I signed up for every class party, book fair and field trip. To say it was hard for me with each passing year as my children grew up is an understatement. It is true, I cried with each birthday, knowing that we were another year closer to them taking flight. And yet, I was also happy for every success, and I saw every year a success for them. I didn't have a close relationship with my mom and my father passed when I was a three year old, so I was determined to have the relationship with my kids that I longed for as a kid myself. I wasn't a helicopter parent, as I didn't hold them back as my children grew up, I let them grow and become, they just never could doubt that I was there always for them.

 (*I did go back to work when our son was I fourth grade and our daughter in second.....I got a job at their school, went on to work with special needs children and ended up going back to college and became a preschool teacher, teaching 3-4 year old children...Gods purpose for me is to love children)

My son moved out to go to a University two hours away, came home every weekend to work his job helping a friend on a hay farm, I still cried that he wasn't under my roof every night when he lay his head down on his pillow. After he graduated, he moved into the rental across the street......yes, literally across the street and I cried as I moved the last item, his bed, over to the room that once was his Dad and my bedroom. Yep, he moved into the house we lived in when he was born. We also rented it, it was owned by Jim's parents. There was just something about that move, the college move, although emotional, I knew he would return home once he completed his courses. But the move into the rental was that final move that a mother knows in her heart is the true time they will never live under her roof again. He went on to move again into his own home, another stage of growing up and change as he took on a mortgage and found a place to call his own. I was so thankful that it was only five minutes and two country blocks away, yet still it seems so far.....because he is grown up now, he has his job and his two beautiful little girls and friends, he is a busy guy, I do not see him very much. But we are still close, he knows I am always right here if he ever needs me. Just recently he text "Hey Ma, can we get together and talk some time this week?" Of course I responded, "I am always here for you, we can talk whenever you want all you have to do is call or stop in." His response was, "I know Mama, and I thank you for that."

Our daughter, she married the love of her life and she too looked for a place that was close to the farm and us. They found a really nice place that google maps says takes twenty minutes to get to from our place, but they don't know how fast this mama can drive if  her girl needs her. She was my sidekick, even as a teenager, we didn't fight. We were always together, baking, watching movies, porch sitting, you name it. She earned a scholarship for our local community college, that was a God send. She was always a good student, high GPA, had colleges sending letters asking for her to attend. She looked at a few, and then one of her teachers had put her in for a teacher selected scholarship. Basically this scholarship the student didn't apply for, but was chosen by a teacher to be in the runnings to win. They then look over all entries and select the winners, I think there are a couple chosen. Well, she was chosen and although she changed her courses which made her a part time student, which also meant her scholarship only paid for her first semester, it still was a God send that she ended up staying home for her college years. I like to think it was because she knew it would tear my heart out (but I would have supported her decision) had she left to go to a out of state college, but truth is, I thinks she took the community college route because, well, scholarship money is always nice and mostly her boyfriend was staying local. 

She finished her degree and they got married and moved to the beautiful home I mentioned above, just twenty minutes away. My kids were living close and yet I still somehow felt that heaviness in my heart that our days together were over, I mean sure we can visit, but we were no longer the trio we always were. Daddy went to work and it was just us three, best friends, enjoying every day together. (*side note, I wasn't a perfect mom and yes they did occasionally get time outs or I did have days where I had less patience, but for the most part we have fond memories of our days and those years of us being the trio)

My life centered around caring for my Husband, our children and our home. I was the happiest during those years than I had ever been in my entire life. Truly I tell you Gods calling on my life was for me to be a wife and a mother. I have always loved little children, even as a child myself, I was always where ever the babies were. Take me to church, I am wanting to be in the nursery playing with the babies even if I am only six myself. Family reunion, nah, I don't want to play tag, I want to hold the babies or toss a ball to a toddler. God gave me a heart for children. I sometimes think that I love children so much because I see how easily they can be hurt, as my heart hurt often as a kid. Losing my dad when I was so young I believe was the biggest hurt, even though I was so young, a child feels abandoned when a parent dies, even though it was no fault of the deceased parent, I felt left behind. I didn't at first I am sure as I was so young, but only a few years later I started school and I knew it seemed everyone else had both Mom and Dad, and I only had Mom and she had to work full time so she was rarely at the school parties and field trips. 

Well, back to the topic of this blog, that second empty nest thing I was going to tell you about. So life moved on and my kids moved out and my house got quiet. But because I have been blessed with a wonderful marriage, Jim and I after a few months started enjoying that we had "Us" time again. We were settling in to the new normal, but about three months into feeling like we could appreciate this stage of life, our son became a daddy to the most precious, adorable, absolutely wonderful tiny little blessing, enter Miss Harleigh Ann. Oh boy, this was definitely a new phase and stage and so often we heard the jokes about "Ugh, being a grandparent makes you old". But those were all jokes from people who obviously hadn't experienced actually becoming grandparents. We figured out the first time her tiny little self was placed into our arms why being a grandparent was so GRAND! Unless you are grandparents yourselves, you are reading this going.....uhm, lady ya, you are a grandma, you are old!! But oh man, suddenly you have energy you didn't know you could ever have again, your mind goes to all the fun things you have to look forward to, watching the years slowly go by as they grow..........Oh wait, what? ,You instantly think how fast it went, and the thought comes quickly, "How is our son old enough to be a Dad." 

 So you think, this time I am going to take in even more than I did with my own kids and I am not going to miss a thing and it won't go so fast because I am not as busy in life or as worried about "am I doing it right" like I was as a mom. I will relax and enjoy this grandma thing and it won't go so fast. Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but , It goes twice as fast, literally a blink is slower than how fast your grand babies will grow up.

Well, times are hard and our economy isn't the greatest and soon our grand babies had two working parents, and guess who was chosen to watch the children most of the days......it was me! I thought oh this will be great, I will get to hold them and love them and do all the fun things I used to do with their daddy and aunt. I did, we played, we colored, we painted. We didn't get to do playdates or go to the library because of a pandemic that was going on in our country, but we had our days together and we had fun. Blanket forts in the house and out over the close line on a nice sunny day. Me with a fake broken leg as Dr. Harleigh and Dr. Charlotte cared for me. (Yes God blessed us only 15 months after Harleigh with her little sister Charlotte) Bug hunting, kite flying, games, movie days, playdoh time. We went on all kinds of adventures. The first years, the newborn stage, was mostly spent me holding them as many hours during our time together that I could. The toddler stages were a lot of dancing and acting silly. Running in circles around the island in their home as Harleigh would scream "run Greema, catch me" and her little sister would run not even big enough to understand why she was running, just laughing and toddling the whole time.

We had fun! And then I blinked.

 This year Harleigh started young 5's which is like Pre-K since her birthday is late August. Charlotte, started a preschool program, which I think is best for her since as long as she has been on this earth she has had her sister to play with. I had her one day after Harleigh started school because her school hadn't started yet and she looked so lost and bored, even though I played with her, she missed her sister.

 Both of the girls are doing well, we are only in the middle of the second week. They are happy, and seem to be enjoying school. 

Harleigh gets off the bus at the farm, the same farm her Papa and her Daddy were dropped off after school every day. She is with me for about three hours every afternoon before her mom comes to pick her up. The highlight of my day, 3:25. I can hear her screaming on the bus out the windows, "Greema!!" on repeat every time the bus is coming up to the end of my driveway. Her bus driver says "She gets so excited to see you every day!" and I smile and say "yes, I can hear her before you even stop."

 But, I see the change in her already. She seems to have grown so much in just these few days. She is excited to see me, and only one day did she get off the bus sobbing saying the day was "too long and she missed me", but since that day, she gets off the bus and although she is happy, she just seems her mind is preoccupied with all the stuff she took in during her school day. She ask me about her caterpillars, as she finds them all over the farm and always has to put them I a bucket with grass and sticks for me to watch until she comes the next day. She will ask papa for her daily 4wheeler ride across the fields. I giver her her bath and she plays in the tub after for a bit like she always did, we eat dinner, she enjoys helping with the dishes. But even that was a bit different yesterday, as instead of just playing, she actually did wash a couple plates. She looks bigger suddenly, she acts a bit older already. Her mom arrives with Charlotte in tow. Charlotte is smiling and squealing in her car seat happy to see me and papa. They are doing well, they are loving this new stage, and I am happy for them, but I know all the things that are slowly fading away. 

Charlotte has always been a child that puts herself to bed. Even as a baby, she rarely cried in her crib. She wanted to be put in her crib for nap and left alone to fall asleep. Harleigh, probably from all the spoiling and holding I did whenever I had her as a newborn, she has always been  a "hold me" until I fall asleep baby, and as she got bigger she became a "rubby back Greema" all the way up to her learning to say it correctly, "rub my back Greema" until I fall asleep. 

It hit me the other day, I will never put her down for a nap again, she is a big girl now and although they have rest time at school for a period of the day, she will no longer have reason to take naps here. It became my reality that I will never hold her and rub her back until she falls asleep again.

I remember reading before that as a mom, you don't realize the last times are the last times until one day you look back and can't remember the last time you did something. Like washing my daughters hair, she always had long hair and our old farmhouse doesn't have a shower, just a tub, so I would always wash her hair for her over our sink, right up into her college years to make sure it got rinsed good. Now she lives in a house with a shower, and I can't remember the last time I washed her hair for her.  It is the same for my grand babies, this week it hit me that last week I did a lot of last times without even realizing it, and well I have a tear on the edge of my eye as I type.

I think what makes empty nest stage so difficult is that it is the wake up call that life is moving fast, you can't stop it, you can't slow it down, and no matter how much you say you are going to soak it all in , you miss things. Yes I mean miss them as in, long for them to return, but I also mean you MISS them, as you don't realize at the time that it is......the "Last time".

I think it is hard because, you are so happy for them, growing, learning, living, but at the same time you are sad that you couldn't hold on any tighter, your knuckles were white,  yet you still were letting go.

I can't go back, I can't have my children as littles again, I can't go back, I can't have my grand babies as newborns and toddlers again. I could say, right at this part of this writing, to every mom reading how they should hang on , be present, don't miss a thing.....but the truth is, you can't hang on enough, yes be present, your children need you to be present, but as far as for you.....it won't slow it down, time is fleeting. 

How do I even end this, I don't have the answers to how you can spare your heart the hurt mine feels, all I can say is love them......yes, that is a good way to end this ......Love them because they will grow up, they will move out, they will move on but if you love them with everything your heart can hold, cherish the time with them and make memories that will bring smiles long after you are gone, then and only then will there never really be a time of letting go, because even when you leave this world, they will hang on to the love you gave and the memories you made.

Be Blessed,

The Happy Farmwife